Normal life finally ???

It is finally over. Radiation got over today and my doctor told me the great news that my treatment was over in all respects. I am now free to get into my old life and "normal" routine. Some times I wonder has this all really been a life altering experience? As of now I cannot seem to remember much of the painful events of last year.Keep thinking of the parties and fun and celebrations I am gonna have. Also today was another red letter day as Zoya started school in Delhi. I was allowed to stay with her as it was her first day. In fact I was having a great time there and was actually enjoying myself more than her I think. But she seemed to take to the teachers and environment rather well. Catch u later and shall keep you updated on the party !!

School for Zoya

Started the radiation from yesterday. This hopefully is the concluding phase of my treatment. I am just dying to get back to life ie my old life and "my normal " self. We spent the weekend checking out schools in Delhi for Zoya and boy was it an experience. In fact in one school both Zahir and me had to go through painful one hour of lesson plans and worksheets and projects of nursery classes by a very determined teacher. She glared at us even if we even hinted moving on to some other query till she was through with us !!!After visiting 3 schools we are as confused as ever and have no clue where to put her. Hope next weekend we can decide and I am hoping for some sign from the heavens above to guide us !!! Am sure life was simpler at our times (and I never thought I would say this).....That friends is just the beginning of the tough times ahead for us parents of the 21st century. Well more later as we finalise the foundation steps for our Madam Zoya Advika

Its ok !!!!!!

Yahoo...the biopsy report is ok. Am now officially cancer free . Am free free free. This is the silver lining that we have been all waiting for so long. I cannot believe it still and it is yet to sink in fully. The docs were amazing and whole morning have been inundated with calls from friends and family. ma who never cries , burst into tears after hearing the good news imagine. Could sense the relief in the voices of Buls and Soumya too as I spoke to them. It is a big conspiracy I tell u...I have had the gods of all religions Hinduism, Islam, Christianity, Buddhism and Sikhism on my side....Its party time !!!

What next ??

Writing after ages. The last 2 weeks passed in a maze of confusion as we did the rounds of hospitals and doctors in delhi and Mumbai to get a definitive opinion on the next course o treatment. Was telling Zahir that I think every hospital in India will soon have a file in my name. Buls calls me the international patient as there are files of me in US too !!!We decided to go in for a Stem cell transplant eventually as that is the most comprehensive cure. Was feeling very concerned about how we would drum up sufficient resources for meeting the expenses. But we had little to worry about as without even having to voice it my brother, sister, parents, friends are standing by with money to get us through this. What an amazing support system I have. seriously I feel sometimes what have I done to deserve this. We are so blessed. As of now I am going in for a biopsy tomorrow and depending on the results will decide on next course. The only solace is the doctor who would be operating on me has himself recovered fully from this same disease 12 years back and is an example to me !!

Home

Back home !!! Came back to Delhi and home. From the time I entered home and started settling in I have begun to feel "normal ". Cannot remember the events of the last 6 months it seems. Dying to get back to my previous schedule. Met one doctor yesterday who would be the person I would be seeing most probably for the remainder of my treatment. She was so nice it was amazing. For the first time a doctor actually asked me how I was feeling and wanted to know if I was "ok" about my hair loss and facing my disease. A doctor who actually saw me as a human being and not like some dumb diseased animal as I had been used to being thought of and treated all this while at Thakurpukur !!!Anyways time to look forward and and put the events of the past behind me. Zu is a lil confused in her changed setting and she is actually missing pluto-the one being in saltlake house with whom she had a love hate relationship. But we are all settling in and Zahir cant stop grinning. He is so thrilled to have his family back!!

It is over !!!!!

Yes yes yes....it is finally over. Thru with the 6 chemo cycles and back home. Bit of an anticlimax really as I have been waiting and waiting for this day so much that now am at a loose end believe it or not. Cant decide how to feel :-)....just waiting to recover this week and then I should be back in Delhi by 2nd week of May for some tests and radiation etc. What a journey it has been. Rushing to kol overnight with just some 6 sets of clothes, surgery, ICU, cnfusion over diagnosis, chemo, infections etc etc ....cannot believe what all I experienced in these few months. Overriding of course remains the thoughts of family, sister, brother in law,mom, Zahir, dad and Zoya's constant presence and love, rally of friends and strangers, colleagues and casual acquaintances...met so many incredible people. Cannot wait to be back to my life and get back with things............needed this experience also i suppose to appreciate what I have much more !!!Catch u all later with more updates on this 'golden" period. Thanks again to all who are reading my blog and posting comments. feels wonderful that am in ure thoughts and prayers

At Last

Am ready to check in for my last chemo on Friday. Cannot believe it is almost going to be over. When I started in January it seemed such a long way off. But time just flew. So many wonderful things have happened in the last 3 months with friends and family get togethers. On monday was Bengali New Year and my uncle and aunt who were visiting told me that they hoped it would be a very good year for me as the last year had gone so badly. Believe me for a moment I could not understand what they were talking about. I did not remember that it had been a bad year. Sure it had its ups and downs and I guess more downs than ups but in the end of the day all that mattered was that it was coming to its conclusion. I am sure I can look forward to a much better time in the months to come and think of getting back to my house in delhi, putting Zoya to school there and going for a family vacation. it is so great that so many people are reading my blog and posting comments wishing me well. I am so lucky....will b ewriting again after am back from the hospital.....

Buls goes back

I came back on Sunday after the 5th chemo. Was a very smooth and short experience and except for some nursing glitches went well. Have been feeling fine physically as well. Yesterday Buls went back to the US after a wonderful stay of 2.5 months. Feeling quite low since then. Her stay was so good that we are all feeling totally empty in the house and suddenly conversations have ceased. All my life I have been the responsible elder sister to her and have been her protective, disapproving elder sibling. So much so that she used to say if she ever went to jail she would call Zahir for bail and never call me !!! In this visit of hers I felt totally different. I felt she was the elder sister and she took on the role of totally mothering me and spoiling me. Not only medically keeping a hawk's eye on the progress of my treatment but emotionally supporting me each step of the way. Encouraging me to be so postive and upbeat and strong and keeping close eye on what I wanted to do, cooking for me and entertaining me . It seems I totally lost my ability to think and used to rely on her for the simplest of decisions .I keep thinking of the endless ludo and scrabble sessions, midnite movies at Thakurpukur and endless discussions on alll topics under the sun. What I so regret that perhaps we will both never get this time back as visits in future will be always full of things to do and much shorter in duration.Her visit was what so me through the most difficult phase of my treatment these months in such a comfortable and beautiful way.........how do you thank your sweet little younger sister for that? Will miss you darling Buls

Will be checking in tomorrow for the 5th chemo. A curious mixture of sadness and happiness...happy coz this means am almost thru and will have just one more to go. Sad coz it means again 2 days away from home and away from mom's cooking and most of all away from Zoya...very tough to keep strong all the time and get through this. But it is also true that God seds positive signals and optimistic messages every once in a while and I cannot help but be thankful for those small mercies which I see.........will be writing again after am back. Pray for the strength to get thru the weekend as comfortably as the last one

Smell the roses

Sometimes the words of Lance Armstrong as mentioned in his book seem so true ...just when he was on the recovery phase and at the last stage of his treatment one of his representative agencies pulled out of his sponsorship deal leaving him high and dry. they did not have the confidence that he would come out of cancer alive. Well not only did Lance come out he went on to win the Tour de France shortly after that. I feel that in my situation too some persons do not have the confidence I can pull through this. While family and close friends are watching me closely and are rooting me to hold on and fight this battle strongly yet others are quietly watching the fun and also planning how to move on without me. They do not feel I shall ever be my old self again. How mislaced my priorities were I realise now. I have for years focussed on things which are incidental and moved away from the core issues. God finally hit the pause button forcing me to rethink, reprioritise and refocus. One thing is for sure I will not let myself go back to the environment where people do not really care whether am dead or alive. It will not be easy to start afresh but I now have the added achievement of being a cancer survivor once am through with all this. My tour de Franc eis around the corner too. Wont be easy coz i know I shall have the temptation to slip back to my old life and comfort areas but these 6 months are teaching me that it is not worth it to lose sleep over the miles. I have to stop to smell the roses... some suggestions on how I can do that would be welcome.....

Her first sentence

Zoya managed to string together her first complete sentence this weekend. Baby baie jabe..maane baby wants to go for a walk outside !!! Now in bursts of course the sentences come out...baby dudh khabe, mama baby come etc etc. Was fun to witness this milestone of hers . Zahir was in Kolkata as well and we had a good time , cooking together and playing on the terrace. It amazes me sometimes that Zu is so understanding and she gravely told her dad on being asked baba kothay jabe the night before he was leaving.....billi (her version of delhi ). guess kids know and understand much more than we give them credit for sometimes. Of course the reverse works. Yesterday I spent the whole evening trying to make her pee in her potty and no success as she simply refused and in the battle of wits mom lost hopelessly in the end !!!

4 down

Done with the 4th chemo ....and this time it was the best. Just 2 nights in the hospital and I was back on sunday night. Such a relief to be back. And the best part is the major part of the chemo is over. Just 2 more to go.....seems so long since the first one and then it seemed like a long long way to go. But it is ending soon and I can see the finishing line.Plan to spend this week just chillin and watching tv and of course playing with Zoya. Look forward to Zahir's visit in the weekend. Life looks good :-)

Veins

Ever since I have started my chemo I find myself looking at peoples' veins.I always envy people with nice and prominent veins as I have a problem in that area. All nurses and doctors have problems locating my veins for administering chemo drugs through channels on my hands. So it is a perpetual worry for me :-)...and now it has almost become an obsession as I find myself staring at peoples' hands and veins !!!! Zoya is now going to school and everyday it is a struggle as she wails and yells refusing to go. However once inside she seems to be adjusting and playing with the other kids. Keeping my fingers crossed as the ' adjusting to school' period goes on...Friday I am back to Thakurpukur. Actually waiting for that as it will mean that the 4th chemo is almost on its way over.

Weekend was a blast...Babai had been looking forward to this for ages. Both his jamais were in Kolkata and Salt Lake house had not witnessed so much activity and so many people in a long long time. Party started from Friday itself after Zahir landed and it was just incredible. Endless adda over tea and samosas, elaborate meals , idle conversations around dinner table and watching movies and ludo games............... it was just perfect. Buls, Zahir and Soumya were at Mashi's place for dinner on Saturday and they had a great time. Mashi and Meshomoshai were the perfect hosts and pulled all stops to have the most amazing spread. Bulbuli and Soumya realised how much they loved us and the warmth and genuine concern came out....overall an eyeopener and lot of their preconceived notions were blown away. Overall a perfect weekend and perhaps not likely to have such a good time with all of us together in quite a while.

Why me

Last couple of days I have been having some "why me " moments. It is heartening to read Babai's comments on how much of a positive spirit I have but sometimes I get engulfed by feelings of why am I suffering so much. I am in a situation where my job which meant so much to me has all but gone and I have a new mean Boss who is not being so nice to me...I am not in a position most of the time to even take my daughter in the lap and play with her and most of the time I have to grit my teeth and bear the pain of injections and reactions to medicines etc etc.I miss my home, my bed , my nice clothes, I miss my hair, I miss going out to eat and watching movies in the hall. With all the good things that are also happening around me I know I need to tell myself that this too shall pass but honestly it becomes very very difficult to reconcile with that. I am reading Lance Armstrong's autobiography where he talks about dealing with cancer and I can identfy with it in so many ways.....but truly is this the most life changing experience for me ? Is surviving cancer going to be the single biggest achievement for me ? Is the quota of suffering and disease going to be over once i get through this ? I wonder...............

Funday Sunday

This weekend was great fun. I came back from the hospital on Saturday and on Sunday buls and Soumya came over. We had a blast. Chatting endlessly and catching up. Lunch was sumptuous and after many days I entered the kitchen and made a salad which everyone proclaimed was "delicious". In the evening we all ie Zoya, Zahir, myself, Buls and Soumya went out for a drive. It was an amazing experience for me to get out of the house for just a pleasure drive instead of hospitals and doctor visits. We bought wine and kababs and biriyani had a great party in the evening in the house. The opening of the wine bottle itself was a hilarious episode with bottle openers that broke, screwdrivers and mom's kitchen scissors which were all put to good use :-). But alls well that ends well and the wine was finally consumed albeit with bits of cork to enhance the taste. As I went to sleep that nite I realised for the first time that on that day I had not thought about being sick the whole day and for quite a while I had actually forgotten that I was ill. It was such a wonderful day and I just hope and pray for more of such occasions to come back in my life. I miss it so much.................

Watchd Rang de Basanti yesterday till 1 am. Liked the movie a lot. This time at the hospital Buls and me are watching movies everyday. This is the longest I have spent at Thakurpukur about 7 days...was missing Zoya a lot yesterday. It sucks man some times ...........really. Reading a book " The Secret" and it is interesting. Trying to consciously apply some of the lessons.

More later...feeling very hungry now :-)

Mama neru

writing from home:-)...feels very heartening to read the various comments from friends and acquaintances to my blog...i feel great that people are so interested in my thoughts and experiences. Yesterday I made zahir shave off my head...as he was saying it was a 6 lac haircut but its not looking so bad. Sometimes a look at the mirror freaks me out too but getting used to it. Zoya keeps calling me "mama neru" meaning mommy is ganja...and she is enjoying the look !!! Baki sab fine. Getting closely monitored by Buls on my condition and ma is amazing. Rustling up all kinds of meals and persuading me to eat and be strong. Most heartwarming is the connect I have made with old friends like Reena and Reshmi who are calling everyday and sending over stuff and are so clued in that its as if they are living this experience just like me....life teaches u so many things and I am just learning I feel...well catch u guys again later..gotta go now...love to u all

back to my second home :-)...cancer hospital. Though i was extremely down before coming it has not been such a bad experience after all. so far the chemo has been smooth and people have been nice. we have been pretty organised as well in getting stuff and planning the logistics. guess we are becoming veterans at the hospital thing.buls and me are having loads of fun, playing ludo and chatting and surfing the net...it is great ! this cancer experience has taught me to be paranoid abt every little thing...any lil ache or symptom scares me now...hope i get over this paranoia soon..ending now, will blog again tomorrow

Top of the world

Goooood morning.....back home from that insufferable hospital day before yesterday and that worked like a 'magic pill'...feeling so much better, no nausea or weakness and got appetite back. In fact zahir claims I must be on on some "jali" chemo as I am eating like a pig and prancing abt the place.
Today is also another momentous day as Zoya went to school for the first time. Was just for 45 mins but no major disasters. Guess over the next few days she will get over the hiccups and start enjoying,Already time for the little one to fly the nest :-)

So as of now life is good with so much to look forward to. Buls will be here tomorrow and next month will be a regular family reunion with Soumya, Buls and us ......who would have planned for that...
Ok will catch u again later in the day or maybe tomorrow...cheers for now

finally chemo over.....gotta work up enuff exitement to face the next one after 3 weeks.......

My fist day of Chemo

finally i got admitted in the famed thakurpukur cancer care home on the 4th of jan 08 and was immediately put into hyderation. Though the place sucks and I hate every inch here. Zahir ran up and down for 20 times to get medicines amd other items for the impending chemo. The arrangements for tomorrows chemo was also done with the Rosche lab people in Kolkata.

today is 5th jan 08 and its our 6th marriage anniversary. I rememeber the day when my father in law had declared immediately after ou marriage that we wont last even 6 months, now we are 6th year old. Today is also the start of my fight to get this demon out of me...and i know its gonna be over soon.

Unlike other families, today we wont be going out for any dinner or holidays, we wont even get a chance to see our kid, no fancy dinners or party...we will spend the day, just watching the drug go in drip by drip and kill one germ after another and take me that much closure to being fine and healthy...

first day of 2008

Dear All,

First day of 2008, a nice and quiet day.Had visitors in the evening and spent the afternoon catching a bit of the movie Sholay. Received a lot of nice messages and calls from many known and unknown people. The concern and positive thoughts all around me overwhelms me.i have o choice but to be positive, optimistic and upbeat. Well lots of things to look forward to this year and I feel I shall be living life in a whole different way from this year....enuff of gyan and philosophy...let me admit am scared of the chemotherapy due to start day after tomorrow but am also feeling good thinking that once it starts it means the end is near ....so thats that.

Catch u guys again tomorrow

a message from a brother

Posting a special message from a dear friend/ brother of mine ...summed up all my feelings so well

A special morning. A very new sunrise. Its been quite a ride last year. But the way you took it was extraordinary. I remember preparing myself to meet an expectedly depressed, worried and scared soul in the hospital the evening before a surgery of highest stake. And what a surprise! The most positive person was the patient herself. A lesson learnt. That made the day. And that made it your call for the days to come in the OT, in the ICU, on ventilator, on iv lines, the drugs, the drains, the overheard comments and finally through the diagnosis. Most succumb to this 'diagnosis' rather than the disease itself. Once again you lived up to your class. And the family you have! A husband who take the fight on with an unbelievable composure. A sister who's turning the world upside to get hold of every details of medical enigma that might make your journey that bit smoother. Not to say about parents, they are always that way. Even the kid has her contribution by making us realise that life goes on unperturbed. The days to come will be quite 'happening'. The chemo will flush out the disease. It might cause a few 'oops'. I know you are worried about hair loss. But if hair is the price we need to pay for head then there isnt any room for bargain. If its 'fall' now then 'spring' will also follow. For every side effect endured you will move that closer to the cure. And take care of your hands. See, my fuss continues! I'll really get under your skin to get your veins going. At this crossroad may we just stop to remember all those out there who suffer the same diagnosis. Most can't afford the CHOPs and MOPPs, or a surgery. Many dont have a family to give support. They dont have the resource to put up even the minimal fight. You are privileged to have a family like this. I am privileged to know a person like you. May this new sun bring warmth of blessings for you, your family and all those who are fighting the same. A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR.