Will be checking in tomorrow for the 5th chemo. A curious mixture of sadness and happiness...happy coz this means am almost thru and will have just one more to go. Sad coz it means again 2 days away from home and away from mom's cooking and most of all away from Zoya...very tough to keep strong all the time and get through this. But it is also true that God seds positive signals and optimistic messages every once in a while and I cannot help but be thankful for those small mercies which I see.........will be writing again after am back. Pray for the strength to get thru the weekend as comfortably as the last one

Smell the roses

Sometimes the words of Lance Armstrong as mentioned in his book seem so true ...just when he was on the recovery phase and at the last stage of his treatment one of his representative agencies pulled out of his sponsorship deal leaving him high and dry. they did not have the confidence that he would come out of cancer alive. Well not only did Lance come out he went on to win the Tour de France shortly after that. I feel that in my situation too some persons do not have the confidence I can pull through this. While family and close friends are watching me closely and are rooting me to hold on and fight this battle strongly yet others are quietly watching the fun and also planning how to move on without me. They do not feel I shall ever be my old self again. How mislaced my priorities were I realise now. I have for years focussed on things which are incidental and moved away from the core issues. God finally hit the pause button forcing me to rethink, reprioritise and refocus. One thing is for sure I will not let myself go back to the environment where people do not really care whether am dead or alive. It will not be easy to start afresh but I now have the added achievement of being a cancer survivor once am through with all this. My tour de Franc eis around the corner too. Wont be easy coz i know I shall have the temptation to slip back to my old life and comfort areas but these 6 months are teaching me that it is not worth it to lose sleep over the miles. I have to stop to smell the roses... some suggestions on how I can do that would be welcome.....

Her first sentence

Zoya managed to string together her first complete sentence this weekend. Baby baie jabe..maane baby wants to go for a walk outside !!! Now in bursts of course the sentences come out...baby dudh khabe, mama baby come etc etc. Was fun to witness this milestone of hers . Zahir was in Kolkata as well and we had a good time , cooking together and playing on the terrace. It amazes me sometimes that Zu is so understanding and she gravely told her dad on being asked baba kothay jabe the night before he was leaving.....billi (her version of delhi ). guess kids know and understand much more than we give them credit for sometimes. Of course the reverse works. Yesterday I spent the whole evening trying to make her pee in her potty and no success as she simply refused and in the battle of wits mom lost hopelessly in the end !!!

4 down

Done with the 4th chemo ....and this time it was the best. Just 2 nights in the hospital and I was back on sunday night. Such a relief to be back. And the best part is the major part of the chemo is over. Just 2 more to go.....seems so long since the first one and then it seemed like a long long way to go. But it is ending soon and I can see the finishing line.Plan to spend this week just chillin and watching tv and of course playing with Zoya. Look forward to Zahir's visit in the weekend. Life looks good :-)

Veins

Ever since I have started my chemo I find myself looking at peoples' veins.I always envy people with nice and prominent veins as I have a problem in that area. All nurses and doctors have problems locating my veins for administering chemo drugs through channels on my hands. So it is a perpetual worry for me :-)...and now it has almost become an obsession as I find myself staring at peoples' hands and veins !!!! Zoya is now going to school and everyday it is a struggle as she wails and yells refusing to go. However once inside she seems to be adjusting and playing with the other kids. Keeping my fingers crossed as the ' adjusting to school' period goes on...Friday I am back to Thakurpukur. Actually waiting for that as it will mean that the 4th chemo is almost on its way over.